J.J. Nelson "A Dream"

“A Dream” is a story following an overweight and slightly depressed college student, Gabe. The central conflict of the piece appears to be Gabe’s inner conflict with himself about his past and his discontent with the stoner lifestyle that he is currently leading. It would seem Gabe had only known one love in his life, one he no longer has. We are not told much about this mysterious love-girl, but she appears to be blonde and haunting from what I can gather. The plot is primarily advanced through mental monologues that take place in Gabe’s head. I liked the content of a lot of these sections, but I wanted to see more of it played out in the outside world. If this story were made into a silent movie, little would happen outside of the dream and Gabe smoking weed. I don’t think there needs to be anything dramatic necessarily, but a little something to attach Gabe to the world around him might be nice.

            When I tried to determine what the story actually was in this piece, I had trouble coming up with a concrete idea. It is obvious that Gabe is unhappy and wants to change, but it appears that he does little effect any such change. Granted, he does get out of bed at the end and finally do some writing, showing he is on the right path, but I did not quite get the justification for this change. I’m all about some subtlety, but in this case I was left wondering how the memory of his lover finally got him off his butt. I think with just a little touch of explanation, this can be cleared right up. I really liked the imagery you used, especially in the dreams; it showed a lot of creativity and made the story interesting.

Taylor Hardy "Aveux"

This story is told from the perspective of a man, Vince, who is struggling to reconcile the emotions attached to his dark and tumultuous past. His only loves in life seem to be his daughter, Amelia, and their dog, Shadow. Vince’s main source of emotional distress seems to stem from his wife’s suicide some years ago. It is never made clear why his wife killed herself, but her appearance of religious piety was revealed to be nothing more than a ruse meant to instill a sense of virtue in Amelia. In order to fill his loneliness, Vince begins sleeping with an unstable woman named Erica. Erica ends up killing herself as well, hoping to frame Vince for her death. After some jail time and a trial, Vince is acquitted of the crime, and he decides to move with Amelia to Paris to start a new life.

            I think this piece had an interesting premise with lots of potential for interesting characters and dynamics. I also liked a few choice moments, one of which was the line that read “Life is not some stupid fucking Nicholas Sparks novel,” which I thought was a very apt insight to life. What kept me from enjoying this story, however, primarily had to do with unbelievable dialogue and flat characters. One of the first things that distracted me was the overuse of direct addresses. In far too many lines, the dialogue begins with one character saying the other’s name, making the dialogue feel impersonal. Many interactions also felt stiff, such as in the following example: “Go back to your husband and the land of certainty, which is filled with love and false reality.” I didn’t feel like this would be something one person would really say to another. It was also statements like this that made me feel like the characters were somewhat lacking in depth and believability. In revision, I would suggest restructuring the dialogue to evoke a more subtle and believable revealing of the characters.

            All in all, I see a lot of potential for this story, but as it stands now, the surface-level descriptions and dialogue keep me from getting immersed in the action. When revising, I would focus primarily on the descriptions and interactions between characters. With these issues addressed, I think this could be a really engaging piece.

Lauren Barkley "Dreams and Reality"

This piece is about a young man named Luke who dreams of going to law school and playing baseball at the University of Mississippi. What stands in the way of his dream, however, is his father’s desire for him to remain at home in Minnesota and take up the family dairy farm in the future. Making a decision to pursue his own path, Luke flies to Oxford and tries out for the baseball team. Unfortunately, Luke can’t hold up against the stringent requirements of the team, and he is left with no choice than to return home. His family welcomes his back, and in an unexpected turn of events, his father hands him with an envelope with money and tickets back to Mississippi. I think this piece set up some interesting characters early on. Luke’s life as an athlete and cow farmer is intriguing and made me want to read about what happened to him. I also like the description of the coach on page three, very funny.

            I think the main things to address in revision should be primarily related to character expansion. There is some sense of the characters’ wants and motivations, but they feel pretty flat in many cases right now. I also was confused by the father’s final actions towards his son. It is obviously some sort of gesture of forgiveness and acceptance, but given the fact that Luke just tried and failed in Mississippi made the gift feel ironic. I liked the overall feeling if the piece, and I think with some revision and expansion, this could work really well.

Jeremy Hare "Casting Shadows"

This piece focuses on a young girl, Itami, who finds herself in the afterlife following a fire that burned down her home. At first, she is simply becoming acquainted with the strangeness of the hereafter, but she soon overhears a conversation between Kain and someone named Midoriko that reveals the fact that her death was not so accidental after all. Kain reveals that Itani was chosen for the strength of her soul to serve as a Shinigami, a protector of souls from earth to the afterlife. I thought this story was interesting in the way it described the afterlife and set up the main character. Though dead, Itami seems very much alive in the way she talks, interacts, and moves about. Though interesting, I thought there needed to be some more detail about why this is. In addition, I found myself being confused about how Imati could die in the afterlife. A couple of times throughout the piece, Itami says things like “I remember everything now,” which would indicate that she is alive or at least conscious in some sense after this story takes place. Again, I was confused about this and thought it needed some explanation if it is to stay in this story.

            In reading this, I did not get the feeling that much effort was put into constructing a “literary” piece. I got a sense that the characters were invented for a specific purpose rather than being organic. Some of the descriptions of “long silver hair down to the hips” and “red eyes” made me picture the characters as cartoon characters rather than real people. I am not saying anything is wrong with this in and of itself, but at least for this class and our attempts to construct literary short stories, this seemed like it needed some tweaking to reach that point. This writing obviously shows a lot of creativity, and I enjoyed it for its entertainment value.

Kody Blackwell "Whatever Gods May Be"

This story focused on a man who finds himself thrust into the position of pastor at his local church after the senior pastor has to move away on family business. Beginning nervously, he slowly finds his sea legs and becomes quite the sermon-giver, growing in charisma and popularity. As time goes on, however, Thomas comes to the personal realization that he does not believe in the things he preaches. Faced with his newfound atheism, Thomas relinquishes his title as pastor. I thought this story had a lot going for it. The characters were believable and engaging, the tempo was paced nicely, and the protagonist showed a distinct change.

            The characters are written in such a way that I believed they were honest, not contrived or forced. The first example of this appears on the first page when Thomas gets up in front of the congregation and says he is “a little bit nervous about this.” I felt like that is something a new, young pastor might say to a small church, so I had no trouble picturing the scene as a real event. There is not a lot of dialogue in this piece, but the little bits that there were I thought were well done. I especially liked Thomas’s conversation with Bert Jenkins on page seven. Though not an entire conversation, this bit showed a depth and weight to the protagonist’s thoughts, making me care about him more.

            I liked most of what is here already. Any suggestions I would have for it would probably have to do with adding a little more insight into Thomas’s thought process, but even this is already hinted at in the piece. Perhaps just make the reason for his transformation a little more evident, but all in all this was a very well-constructed story.