Nate Lundberg "The Last Bit of Home-Made Sugar"

The primary purpose of this story appears to be to relate an instance that interrupted the otherwise tranquil lives of a mostly-related community of people living in the Appalachian Mountains. While the “camera” follows an unnamed member of the family, the narrator does not appear to have any particular wants or desires. Tension arises at the bottom of page 4 when it is discovered that Jonsey is having a heart attack. Three men from the family, including our unnamed narrator, rush to help the man get in a car and on his way to the hospital. Somewhere along the way, the narrator gets left behind on a snowy, gravel road, but it is not made clear how. My first suggestion would be to specify how the narrator got where he did. Not only is the important for understanding the end of the story, but it also will provide an extra layer of understanding at the beginning of the piece when the reader goes back to look there. Secondly, I would think about restructuring your story so that is has something driving it the whole time, not just at the end when we find out about the heart attack.

This story had an interesting idea behind its pacing. Just by looking at the chunks of text on the page, one can immediately see that little time is spent in any one section. Whether separated by time or subject matter, the paragraphs in this piece give a quick, choppy feeling. There is nothing wrong with this idea for pacing, but as it stands now, I felt a little bit jarred going from section to section. Hence, my third suggestion for this piece would be to work on how each section flows into the next; I think this structure could work nicely if it is adjusted by a little bit. And finally, I would definitely pay attention to the ending in your revision. As it stands now, this ending felt incredibly inconclusive and confusing. Either more work needs to be done earlier in the story to justify this ending, or an extended conclusion needs to be attached. All in all, I felt like this piece had a lot of potential intrigue, but lacked a certain element that would draw me into it. Perhaps if the narrator had more substance or if there were a more uniform tension throughout, I might be feel more invested in the story.