This story shows a particularly busy evening in the life of a young hotel manager by the name of Brad. Brad has recently come into his managerial powers and some of his coworkers, including his recent girlfriend, believe the power has gotten to his head a little. I did not see any real change in the protagonist throughout the story; this felt more like a snapshot of a narrative rather than a fully developed beginning, middle, and end. The tension in the piece comes from two places: Brad’s coworkers and the drunken mass of party guests. The coworkers continually make comments, some serious and some not, about him being snobby with his power, and the party guests are so unruly that the entire event has to be shut down. I liked the subject matter of this story. It is not too often that we get the perspective of the management of a party, so the change of pace in viewpoint was refreshing. I think there is a lot of potential here with the characters, but there needs to be more of an arc when it comes to Brad.
What I really liked about this story was the narrative voice. Internal thought seemed to flow nicely into dialogue, and I never found myself struggling to move through the plot. I was a little confused about his whole relationship with Alyson and how that played into the story. When it came up on the first page, I was expecting that to be some sort of driving force throughout, but it is barely visible in the action. In revision, I would suggest you take a look at this part of the story and decide if it needs to be there. If so, I would make it more prevalent and more important. All in all, though, there is a lot of good material here, and I do not think you will have any trouble making a few changes to have a good story.
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